1. A HOMELESS PERSON WHOSE NAME IS KNOWN BY ALMOST EVERYONE
Only in Athens could someone with hardly a dime to their name be considered a semi-celebrity. Surviving on the shoestring welfare provided by strangers gullible and good-hearted alike, Athens’ beggars have managed to transcend the common perception of being a nuisance. Now they’re an almost staple aspect of the scenery. And so long as they’re not going anywhere, you might as well operate on a first name basis.
2. SOMEONE IN A BAND YOU’LL PROBABLY NEVER SEE
Our sweet little indie haven is indeed the land of 1,000 bands. Throw a rock down Washington Street and it’s sure to nick a guitarist. And that guitarist will surely have a flier. And the flier will surely be for an opening slot at a show on a Tuesday, at 8 P.M. And the venue will surely only hold 20 people and have a semi-functional toilet that looks like a CDC inspector’s wet dream. And you will surely not be in attendance. But hey – when they blow up, you can say you met the guitarist back before they became sell outs.
3. SOMEONE WITH A WILD AGENDA
Between Christian fanatics in Tate Plaza spitting fiery damnation on all God’s creations – crazy preachers excluded, of course – and crunchy hippies snagging a 1,000 signatures from confused freshmen to save the endangered South American albino lesbian panda, Athens can sure as hell come across as quite the bizarre political hotbed. With self-righteous nut jobs skewing the bell curve so far in both directions, most of us – on both sides of the aisle – can safely count ourselves as “moderates.”
4. SOMEONE IN A COSTUME
Any day in Athens can be Halloween when you get enough affiliated young people together under the same roof – especially if that day is Tuesday or Wednesday and the bar is hurting for business. Both an opportunity for folks to express their creativity or lack thereof, themed parties and socials provide that rare opportunity to watch a sleazy Little Bo Peep skipping drunk down Broad with Superman, a commando, and a pirate chasing after her. It’s like a scene from a little boy’s imagination – except all liquored up and horny.
5. THE POLICE
This funhouse has rules, and those rules are enforced by 58,000,000 (or more) of Athens’ finest. The boys in blue are ubiquitous yet sneaky. Just when you think you’ve found a small corner of privacy and the coast is clear to take a quick piss in the parking deck, the sudden squeal of a Schwinn’s handbrakes tells you otherwise. You just got bike-copped, sucker! Enjoy the paddy wagon ride to jail with Superman, a commando, and a pirate.
6. A BARTENDER
Do the math. 60 something bars. Each bar has anywhere from two to ten bartenders on staff. Add some bar back and door guys in for good measure and it’s clear to see how it’s pretty hard to not know someone – or at least someone who knows someone – who works at a bar. In fact, how many bartenders an Athenian knows is a pretty fair measure of their extraversion. And no, your roommate mixing up shitty cocktails with bottom shelf in the kitchen does not count.
7. A WALKING BILLBOARD FOR UGA
We get it. This is a college town. You’re proud to go here. Now for the love of all things holy, ditch the Georgia branded hoodie, hat, belt, tie, pants, and wallet ensemble. Much like when someone goes to a concert wearing a shirt emblazoned with the name of the band playing, it’s just not cool. Either you’re trying too hard to prove you belong or you’re just that damn unoriginal. Unless it’s a game day – in which case, go crazy – keep that shit in the closet or at least to a subtle minimum. Maybe a hat. Just a hat.
8. AN UBER HIPSTER
This tragic individual, who is likely friends with that guitarist you threw a rock at, has mastered the fine art of looking unique – exactly the same flavor of unique as all his friends – by walking that fine line between dressing like he only buys clothes from Soviet thrift stores and looking totally homeless. What’s completely ridiculous about this guy is that he most likely bought his ironically retro garb at premium price from a company that merely went down to the local Goodwill and snagged up anything that looked like it came from a Soviet bargain bin – or a homeless person.
9. A DRUNK PERSON, AT 2 P.M.
While seeing a person drunk at 2 A.M. in Athens is as common and inevitable as death and taxes, witnessing a person completely tanked at 2 P.M. is an occurrence quite unique to this town. A few Saturdays a year, we have game days to thank for this. Game day drinking commences as soon as people wake up, and by kickoff you’re lucky to see people still capable of walking, much less producing recognizable syllables. Outside of game days, you still have the loveable bar regular who likes to head out of work early on Friday. You really have to give it up to this guy, because not only does he play by his own rules, but he also doesn’t seem to give a good god damn if you come in at 9 P.M. to see him drooling on the bar with a piss stain in his lap.
10. A STARVING ARTIST
Would you be interested in a handmade wicker shower basket? Maybe you’d like some wacky folk art made out of rusty coke cans and used shotgun shells! Or how about a mud painting of Jesus? No? Well, then this poor artistic sap is going to starve. He’s a part of what gives Athens its eclectic character, and damnit, he’s banking on your tourist ass wanting to buy some creative, nifty shit he made with his hands. Or maybe he’s a guitarist hoping you’ll come see his band on Tuesday. Or maybe he’s Alec Wooden hoping you’ll pick up his free glossy magazine.
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