For anyone watching mainstream television in this country in the last decade or so, it’s been a pretty wild ride. Some say that we are in television’s finest era, but there’s one major thing being overlooked here:

Nobody in network television is even trying a little bit to make a really GOOD show. Not one. OK, except Firefly, but we all know what happened there.

So to prove my point, let’s get started with game shows.

Game shows have become more and more popular recently, with Are You Smarter Than a 5th Grader and Deal or No Deal being the most notable successes lately. But have you ever noticed that a full half-hour of game show programming now contains approximately 4 questions or challenges squeezed into 20 minutes of tension-building and the oh-so-wonderful “host fakes out the guest by telling them they were wrong but it was a pun that means they were actually right” bit? That’s all your fault Regis – you handsome but fucking evil son-of-a-gun.

Sure, Jeopardy remains consistent, but now that Alex lost his mustache, I just can’t bear to look at him.

Now let’s talk about actual TV writing. We’ve witnessed the rise of the mega-show, and by that I’m mostly talking about Lost, 24, House, CSI, Law and Order, ER and so forth. You know – the hour-long drama shows that run seemingly forever. These shows are known for being:

“…riveting…” and “…complex…”, which translates to…

“…our writers don’t know what the fuck they’re doing and will just keep writing until we threaten to cancel them, so they tacked on an ending involving God somehow…” and….

“…enjoyable to idiots who love random logos…”

Long show runs are fine. Seinfeld managed to stay consistently funny for 9 years. I’ll even give ER some slack for the first 6 years or so, but the new long-form model seems to involve writers throwing a thousand darts at a wall hoping a few stick in a stud. Lost ran for 6 seasons and didn’t have a clue how to end. 24 made the same episode about 60 times and even went as far as to use the old “I retired but now I’m back” trick to justify another season. And CSI seems to forget what it was talking about by the end of each episode.

The problem? Money. Studios just want these shows to go on forever to keep selling ad revenue. The Office ran for 14 episodes in the UK. The American version? 6 seasons and still going strong. There is no such thing as a self-contained story on network TV anymore. And I do limit this disease to network TV.

Cable doesn’t seem to have the same problem; Battlestar Galactica ran for 4 seasons, just enough to finish a single story arc, and then it stopped. Sure, Starbuck could have flown around blowing Cylons’ tits off for a few hundred more episodes, but what’s the point?

Wait. Did I even have a point when I started writing this? Look,  a smoke monster!

Now we’re back on track…

Honestly, I really don’t have anything against money-grubbing, fluff programming that doesn’t serve to tell me a story or stimulate me in any real way. But the fact that the scope of these half-term births has led to them being lauded as amazing shows just makes my sphincter slam shut. And that hurts.

I think what I’m trying to say is this: I really hate Lost.

Now go enjoy your goddamn box set/chessboard/mayan temple, you philistines!

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